Holler Poodles!

I hope your New Year is off to a great start! I know some of you have been in the market to buy a new car and as your intrepid reporter willing to go the extra mile to find those hard to find items, I present to you the most interesting new finds.

We’ve talked before how big business is realizing the cash cow (not me) that gay people represent. Now it seems they are marketing cars specifically to its gay clientele. In fact, I was approached to test drive a new car made for the big-hipped drag queen type. FORD and AMC have collaborated on a new model combining the wide bodied (read “big hips”) roominess of the AMC Pacer and rear end safety (read “you touch my back end and I’m gonna let you have it!) of a Ford Pinto . The Ford model PU is designed with safety in mind, automatically detecting when volatile organic compounds are present. Through a sophisticated network of micro tubing, these compounds are filtered away from the passenger compartment and combusted in the tail pipes in a beautiful light show big fart. Sure to be the envy of every drag queen.

After test driving this new car, my breath was taken away when I farted when they offered to let me be the spokesperson for the Ford PU. I was still breathless with acceptance.

A new collaboration between Bose and luxury car makers provides the discerning music lover an experience like no other. As the youth of today are always clamoring for the ultimate immersive sound experience while driving, Bose has introduced “Body Beats” an anally inserted speaker which extends from the drivers seat into the driver. No bluetooth connectivity needed here. This connection is truly immersive in that the driver feels every bass note, every drum beat and every vocal, pounding you to new heights. Bounce with Beyonce, Gag with GaGa and feel Royal with Lorde.

Known for going one step further, they have also collaborated with specifically gay musicians so the internal pounding of music you receive is an authentic immersive experience. Rumors have it Adam Lambert is fully satisfying but leaves a little makeup residue on your seat. The Elton John model is a bit fussy but still provides comfort like a queen. And quite puzzling was the George Michael model which comes with an optional urinal cake. Finally, Clay Aiken was contacted by the manufacturers to see if he could insert anything into the equation but declined.

Love and lashes,
Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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