I know this will surprise many of my readers but in the interest of doing damage control, I must confess I was recently knocked up. Though I am still unclear on some of the details, it seems I had a very unconventional pregnancy. I was pregnant with two sets of twins at the same time. My doctor said because
I was fat of my sheer size I would need to deliver after just 9 weeks. As worried as I was, he assured me it was normal for a bitch girl like me. He said it would be a special “vaganal” birth because he couldn’t tell my vagina apart from my bhole and while I was defended by this remark, I knew it was true.
When I arrived at the
animal hospital, I was immediately taken into a special delivery room pool to give birth. The doctor said I was diluted 90 proof and ready for contractions. Who knew I was gonna have to remember English lessons at a time like this? He said it was labor contractions and I replied I am not in a union, therefore, I ain’t signing nothing! He shrugged and said the first litter baby was ready. I was in so much pain but overjoyed too. He said to keep pushing and finally Hemrhoidia was born. Two minutes later his sister Herrhoidia was born. Sounds Greek doesn’t it? Finally, out popped the last two when I was rudely woken up by the Po Po who said I was drunk and disorderly and had publicly pooped on myself in the kiddie pool at the park. Well, no more Goldschlager for me! (Although I thought I saw a glimmer of gold in Hemrhoidia’s eye).
Norcostco Atlanta Costume Tip: Ultimate Drag Makeup Class at Norcostco Atlanta Costume with Professional Makeup Artist Travis Pates. Travis has worked in the Film and TV Industry on such projects as The Hunger Games and the upcoming TV series Constantine. He will share tips and secrets on creating flawless drag makeup, including: contouring, highlighting, concealing, eyebrows, lashes and more! If you are just starting to craft your look or are an experienced performer interested in upping your game, this class is for you! Sunday, July 13, 11am – 3pm. Class fee: $100 a $50 non-refundable deposit reserves your spot. You will receive a makeup kit as part of this class! Call 404-874-7511 to register.
Love and Lashes,
Mary Edith Pitts